Saying Goodbye to Virginia - Thoughts on Mourning our Pets

euthanasia for cats at home.JPG

Virginia found me 15 years ago. She was a scruffy stray who stared into my windows in the evenings. Each time I saw her, I ran outside with a can of cat food, and Virginia promptly ran away. It took weeks, but she eventually trusted me enough to come up to me. After a bit of petting, I swept her into my arms and took her inside; she was happy to go.

Virginia was more than a pet to me. She accompanied me through multiple moves and job changes. She was there at the start of my marriage - eyeing my husband suspiciously for years. She meowed insistently from sunny windows, inviting me to slow down and join her. She slept with her back pressed against mine on chilly nights. She was a constant companion and a friend. 

When I had to euthanize her 6 months ago, it was intensely painful. I was lucky enough to be able to take that day off - to cry, and to tell funny stories about her, and to cry some more. But, after that, things pretty much went back to normal. Normalcy was hard. I would open my closet or drive down my block and be startled to see that nothing had changed. I would remind myself that Virginia and I were the only things that had changed. She was gone, and I was grieving. Everything and everyone else was going on as usual. 

I have been thinking about how I felt after Virginia’s death, and what contributed to it. When a person dies, we have rituals. We have acts of mourning, dictated by culture and religion, that help us make sense of our loss. They give us a path to move forward, and they can be healing. We don’t have these prescribed steps for mourning animals, and this can leave us feeling disoriented and alone in our grief.  

But, as animals are increasingly being considered as family members, we are beginning to recognize that marking their passing can be an important step in the healing process. Because we do not have societal expectations for mourning our pets, we have the freedom to get creative. We can choose actions and memorials that reflect our unique relationships with our pets. Journaling or writing a letter to the pet, selecting an urn, planting a tree or flower, having a piece of art or jewelry made with the pet’s ashes, taking a dog’s favorite walk, holding a memorial service, or volunteering at a local animal shelter in the pet’s name are just a few examples of mourning rituals. Big or small, private or public, it doesn’t matter as long as it has meaning to you. 

articles for euthanasia.JPG

I had not really thought about these ideas before Virginia died. I was unprepared. But I knew that I wanted a special urn for her. My husband is a carpenter, and he designed an urn. When it was completed, we quietly placed Virginia inside and had a long cathartic cry. We chose a spot for the urn on our credenza, where it can be in the sun for much of the day. This simple act of remembering helped me find the peace and connection that I was missing. It felt like I was honoring her, recognizing my grief, and acknowledging the impact that she had on my heart. 

 

The Joy of Toast & Other Thoughts on Quality of Life

Quality of life. I talk about this topic almost daily. Defining what quality of life means for a pet and understanding how to monitor it are two of the most important aspects of hospice care.

Madeleine waiting for toast.

Madeleine waiting for toast.

I usually tell owners to try to think of three to four things that their pet loves to do or behaviors that indicate that their pet is happy and engaged. I offer ideas of what these might be - greeting people when they come to the door, barking at squirrels, or getting excited over a midday snack. I then ask my clients to keep a calendar. If their pet exhibits two or more of the selected signs in a given day, they mark the day as good. If their pet shows few or none of the signs, they mark the day as bad. If they reach a point at which there are more bad than good days in a given week, we start talking about the next steps.

People sometimes find it hard to pick three or four things, but I do not have this problem with my own dog, Madeleine. I know exactly what her quality of life markers are. For one thing, she loves to torment the Dachshund that lives above us. She watches for him from our windows and barks ferociously when she sees him. I have even seen the Dachshund’s owner hide behind a bush with him to avoid encountering us on a poorly-timed walk. Madeleine also likes to play with her stuffed weasel. It is a hand-me-down weasel toy that she has had for years, and she has rejected many brighter and squeakier toys in favor of its well-worn floppiness. But above all, Madeleine loves her morning toast.

She prefers white bread. She likes it freshly toasted and liberally buttered. She won’t eat it if it is burned. And she abhors rye. On the rare occasion that rye bread crosses her lips, she spits it out melodramatically and goes back to bed. But when the toast is just right, there is almost nothing more satisfying than watching her eat it. She chomps away at it with a look of utter joy.

A diabolical Dachshund, a stuffed weasel, and toast. I wish the things that make me happy could be so simple. But why aren’t they?

Morning toast.

Morning toast.

I have been thinking about this a lot. In our busy modern lives, it is easy to get caught-up in the perception that the more we have, or the more successful we are, the happier we will be. It takes effort to stop and appreciate the little things that have meaning and that make our lives worth living. I believe that, if we can identify these things - our quality of life markers -  and put our energy into them, many of the societal ideas of what we need to be happy will fall away, and we will be able to enjoy every day just a little bit more. So, with this in mind, I began making a list. My entries include (but are not limited to) the first sip of coffee in the morning, hearing my husband’s voice when I come home after a long day, hearing a great story, and falling asleep with my cat, Virginia, leaning against me and purring.

This exercise has been really helpful. As you can probably imagine, my days can be emotional and can take a toll. But remembering my list and acknowledging the importance of these everyday pleasures seems to boost my spirits and keep me going. I highly recommend it!

This morning, Madeleine and I shared toast. I’ve been buying a healthy sprouted-grain variety lately.  Madeleine doesn’t love it, but she tolerates it as long as it has adequate butter. I tore off part of the crust and offered it to her. She ate it with gusto. As I watched her, I could feel my heart lighten a little. “Toast really is wonderful,” I thought. And the two of us sat chewing in contented tandem.

Helping Children with Pet Loss

Helping Children with Pet Loss

But for many children, the death of a pet is their first experience with the end of life. The fact that the loved one leaving is a pet and not a human does not matter. The feelings of loss, sadness, and confusion are the same. And the behavior of the adults in a child’s life can have just as much impact.

Read More

The Heart of Hospice

Unlike human hospice, which typically begins at the very end of life, animal hospice can begin when a pet has years of expected life ahead. This is because animal hospice begins whenever our focus shifts from diagnosing and curing to managing the pet’s condition and maintaining comfort and quality of life.

Read More

Why I Believe in Euthanasia at Home

Why I Believe in Euthanasia at Home

For the first few years after my graduation, my hands shook whenever I had to perform a euthanasia. I was overwhelmed by the weight of what I was doing and the grief of the owners in the room. I avoided the responsibility whenever possible. As I matured as a doctor, however, I began to realize that the emotion that makes performing euthanasias so difficult is also what makes it so important.

Read More

Remembering Alice

Remembering Alice

But despite my preparedness and the peacefulness of her passing, I struggled after Alice’s death. I had owned her since veterinary school, so she was integral to my image of myself as an adult and a professional. And she was a great cat - friendly and funny, and always by my side.

Read More